Before you read this post, I have a confession to make. I wrote this post about two months ago. Just a few days before I was going to post it, I got everything that I had wanted….
Those two pink lines.
And because I thought it might be a coincidence, I made sure I got them three more times. Then only a few days after we had celebrated and prepared for the fact that we were pregnant, we lost the baby. The beginning of 2017, one of my resolutions was to be more open with the readers of my blog. Pushing yourself to be vulnerable is so difficult. It’s sharing your life in a medium, with high potential for judgement, that anyone has access to. Imagine writing about some of the most private things in your life, and posting it to the Internet. It’s really hard. However, I was recently reminded that the power in connection is vulnerability. People cannot connect to you, if they do not know you.
So this is my first stab at being more open with all of you…
In October of last year, Matt and I made the big decision to start trying for a family. We were both a little nervous, as I think anyone who makes this decision is, but we were beyond excited at the potential of becoming “mom” and “dad.” Ever since I was a little girl, I have always dreamed of being a mom and once we made the decision to start trying, it was all I could think about. I started tracking every thing. Wondering how every piece of food I ate, every drink I drank, and every action I took could benefit or harm my unborn child.
Fast forward to a few months later, and Matt and I are still trying to get pregnant without success. I am not sharing this because I expect to gain pity for our journey. I know way too many friends that have had trouble getting pregnant. Friends that have spent years trying to become parents, and some that were ultimately never successful. I am sharing this because it is something too many couples are going through, and I want you to know you’re not alone. If you have been trying a few months or a few years, you’re not the only one constantly wondering when it will happen; Googling all the crazy questions, falling into that rabbit hole of research and fertility apps because pregnancy has not been immediate.
I am sure there are others who are tired of hearing, “don’t worry, it will happen when it is supposed to.” I am sure there are others who have a hard time getting on social media to see another pregnancy or birth announcement. And it’s not that I am not incredibly happy for those that are experiencing this joy of becoming parents, because that is the one thing I want more than anything in the world. It is more about the lack of control, the lack of knowing when it might happen for us that makes this process so hard. You just have put your faith in your partner, your body, and your spiritual beliefs that when it is the right time, you will receive this blessing.
Maybe it’s because I am a “millennial” (whatever that means) and I want instant gratification. Or maybe it’s because I have a Type-A personality that wants to control the process. Whatever the reason, this has been one of the hardest experiences for me. Each month we are unsuccessful, breaks my heart into a million pieces and luckily, my sweet husband is always there to comfort me and help me pick them up. And that unfortunate month when we rode the roller coaster of positive pregnancy tests to hearing one of the worst words in the world, miscarriage, he was beside me through it all.
I vacillated for a long time about sharing this information publicly. It’s a very private and personal thing when you are trying to get pregnant. But as I continue to experience the emotions; hopefulness, sadness, doubt, the list goes on, I have encountered more and more couples experiencing similar feelings. I find myself having deep, emotional conversations about fertility with people that I am not very close to because this subject can feel so isolating. And those who don’t understand, no matter how close you are to them, can feel so insensitive because they cannot relate.
I am sharing this blog post because you are not alone. I can relate to you. If you have been on this journey too, I want you to know my heart goes out to you. For now, all we can do is trust and pray that when the time is right, it will happen for us.
My husband always says, if it were easy we might not appreciate it as much (that’s his true optimistic nature coming out) but I can’t help thinking there is truth in his statement. The time of not knowing, or getting to meet you just makes us want you in our life more. It’s solidifying our true desire to be parents, and when baby is ready, we will be here, so ready for you!