Dress: WayF | Photography: Jill Shaw Photography

Before you read this post, I have a confession to make.  I wrote this post about two months ago.  Just a few days before I was going to post it, I got everything that I had wanted….

 

Those two pink lines.

 

And because I thought it might be a coincidence, I made sure I got them three more times.  Then only a few days after we had celebrated and prepared  for the fact that we were pregnant, we lost the baby.  The beginning of 2017, one of my resolutions was to be more open with the readers of my blog.  Pushing yourself to be vulnerable is so difficult.  It’s sharing your life in a medium, with high potential for judgement, that anyone has access to.  Imagine writing about some of the most private things in your life, and posting it to the Internet. It’s really hard.  However, I was recently reminded that the power in connection is vulnerability.  People cannot connect to you, if they do not know you.

 

So this is my first stab at being more open with all of you…

 

In October of last year, Matt and I made the big decision to start trying for a family.  We were both a little nervous, as I think anyone who makes this decision is, but we were beyond excited at the potential of becoming “mom” and “dad.”  Ever since I was a little girl, I have always dreamed of being a mom and once we made the decision to start trying, it was all I could think about.  I started tracking every thing.  Wondering how every piece of food I ate, every drink I drank, and every action I took could benefit or harm my unborn child.

Fast forward to a few months later, and Matt and I are still trying to get pregnant without success.  I am not sharing this because I expect to gain pity for our journey.  I know way too many friends that have had trouble getting pregnant.  Friends that have spent years trying to become parents, and some that were ultimately never successful.   I am sharing this because it is something too many couples are going through, and I want you to know you’re not alone.  If you have been trying a few months or a few years, you’re not the only one constantly wondering when it will happen; Googling all the crazy questions, falling into that rabbit hole of research and fertility apps because pregnancy has not been immediate.

I am sure there are others who are tired of hearing, “don’t worry, it will happen when it is supposed to.” I am sure there are others who have a hard time getting on social media to see another pregnancy or birth announcement.  And it’s not that I am not incredibly happy for those that are experiencing this joy of becoming parents, because that is the one thing I want more than anything in the world.  It is more about the lack of control, the lack of knowing when it might happen for us that makes this process so hard.  You just have put your faith in your partner, your body, and your spiritual beliefs that when it is the right time, you will receive this blessing.

Maybe it’s because I am a “millennial” (whatever that means) and I want instant gratification. Or maybe it’s because I have a Type-A personality that wants to control the process. Whatever the reason, this has been one of the hardest experiences for me.  Each month we are unsuccessful, breaks my heart into a million pieces and luckily, my sweet husband is always there to comfort me and help me pick them up. And that unfortunate month when we rode the roller coaster of positive pregnancy tests to hearing one of the worst words in the world, miscarriage, he was beside me through it all.

I vacillated for a long time about sharing this information publicly.  It’s a very private and personal thing when you are trying to get pregnant.  But as I continue to experience the emotions; hopefulness, sadness, doubt, the list goes on, I have encountered more and more couples experiencing similar feelings.  I find myself having deep, emotional conversations about fertility with people that I am not very close to because this subject can feel so isolating.  And those who don’t understand, no matter how close you are to them, can feel so insensitive because they cannot relate.

I am sharing this blog post because you are not alone.  I can relate to you.  If you have been on this journey too, I want you to know my heart goes out to you.  For now, all we can do is trust and pray that when the time is right, it will happen for us.

My husband always says, if it were easy we might not appreciate it as much (that’s his true optimistic nature coming out) but I can’t help thinking there is truth in his statement.  The time of not knowing, or getting to meet you just makes us want you in our life more.  It’s solidifying our true desire to be parents, and when baby is ready, we will be here, so ready for you!

 

XO,

Arcadia Wife

8 thoughts on “The Waiting Game

  1. Thank you for sharing Lauren. Your warmth and sincerity shine through. A difficult journey most definitely. Will be thinking of you and Matt as you go through this journey together and sending love and good thoughts. Bobbi

  2. I’m so sorry Lauren. Eric and I lost our first baby too. I blamed myself for awhile and constinently thought “what did I do wrong”. I cried many nights especially when I think that i would never be able to meet our baby. But God has his plans. It may not have been a healthy baby and it was your body’s way of telling you. That’s how I learned to accept it. I love that you are open with this because you will truly help another woman who has suffered through this. I wish you the best of luck. You and matt will be such amazing parents!

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this. Although I’m not married I found comfort in reading about your and Matt’s relationship. As a single girl I wonder if great guys are out there in a sea of inappropriate dating profile and this has reaffirmed my belief in love so thank you from one woman looking for love to another looking for family.

  4. This is so wonderful that you shared this Lauren, I think too many women out there feel so alone when this happens to them. You and Matt will have a family, I know it and will be a very excited auntie when that moment happens!!!

  5. Thankyou so much for sharing this. I can imagine how vulnerable you feel doing it. I am going through the same thing, with 6 months of trying we are about to be outside the 80% of couples that apparently fall pregnant in 6 months. Is this stat even true?! And why does it pop up on EVERY google result!? It’s such a rollercoaster of hope and dissapointment and confusion every month. And frustration. I always say ill let it go this month, not focus on it. Which never happens! I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage and hope that you are blessed with a healthy thriving baby soon. Its such a tough and surprisingly isolating journey, thankgoodness for sweet husbands hey! And people that are brave enough to write honest and heartfelt blog posts xx

  6. We have been trying for almost 3 years…it is very lonely and hard. I am definitely open to talking about it and venting if you want to get lunch sometime! All my friends are on their 2-3 baby and it is hard when you can’t even have 1 and do not have the answers as to why it is not working. I find myself crying out of the blue for no reason because of the emptiness I feel inside and the hole in my heart that seems like it cannot be fixed. I have started to volunteer A LOT because I do believe service melts our sadness as we focus on others! But I feel you girl….NOT pregnant AF…ugh. I love you and I am here to support anytime, thanks for sharing <3

  7. I’ll always remember when I was going through a hard time in high school, you wrote me a note alongside a sweet collage of pictures together. It made me feel not so alone and just… normal. I wish I could send you a collage of all the good things, all the wonderful and warm things you are. You were a great friend and you’re GOING to be a great mom 🙂

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